"I write." a poem....

I write.

I write because it helps me to feel better.

I write because it is my outlet.

I write because it helps sooth my spiraling mind.

I write because some topics need writing about.

I know people judge me for my oversharing and guess what?

I don’t care.

If one person can be helped by knowing they are not alone, then it is worth it.

If it feeds my mind and helps calm my body, then it is worth it.

For 30 years I worked and I worked hard.

For the past 15+ years I worked on work that mattered. Work that helped people. Work that included listening to people who had no voice and using mine to help them.

People who needed a safe space to be heard and seen.

Now I am using my voice because it is all I can do.

I cannot work like I once did. I wake up some days in such agonizing pain that I can’t get out of bed.

My pain is not new. My pain has always been there. My pain was intrusive so I ignored it and we co-existed. My pain would not get in my way.

I needed to prove to myself and to others that I was strong. And more importantly, that I was a strong woman.

All the while, my body was failing me, my career affecting me, my mind a tornado.

And then, one day all of my pains collided and I couldn’t ignore them any longer.

I had to listen to my body and walk away. From all I built.

And while you can walk away, you cannot hide from a spinning mind.

I live every day of my life in pain. I have chronic migraines. My spine is deteriorating.

In my soul I know I am doing what I must do for my body. My mind is not willing to accept it.

I have had an amazing life and I had an amazing career. My career fed my mind and my soul.

But in my zeal to rip down boundaries and mainstream difference, my body was ignored and now it is failing me.

I cannot do what I used to do, but my mind doesn’t want to accept that.

I look at my former profession and I agonize for my peers. I feel defeated and deflated and powerless to help.

So this is my power. I can use my voice through writing to warn people about the impact of working too much, too hard.

I can remind people that you have choices. I can use my stories for people to know they are not alone.

Mental health is real.

Physical pain is real.

No one can see your pain. But it will not be ignored.

For me some days are worse than others.

I remind myself I cannot look back. My journey looks forward. Forward to a different kind of life through which I focus on health… of body, mind and soul.

And I remind myself that my body that once whispered, now screams at my mind. So I write to release that screaming.