50 Years of Advice: the Good, the Bad & the Ugly

I’ve been reading a lot this week and, as you may have already guessed, doing a lot of reflection. Through reading other people’s thoughts, research and current trends, I’ve been reflecting on the advice I’ve been given over the years, some useful, some not at all, and some which has given me joy to reflect on how far things have come. I’ve gotten, and in turn given, so much advice over the years that it is hard to distill what is most useful, but here is a shot. Feel free to share some of your own advice in the comments.

Advice on: Life’s Lessons:

Rise above it / You’re right until you’re not: This is the best advice I’ve ever been given and the hardest to follow. When I was younger, this was a weak spot for me. I felt like I had to right any wrong done to me and couldn’t get past it. It would consume me, which was not helpful. I now pride myself with my ability to “rise above it” and not hold grudges. Getting angry, getting revenge, reacting in general only hurts you, and depending on your reaction, makes you look bad. Hence, "you’re right until you’re not". I’ve often found that people are not acting intentionally, and if they are it is from insecurity. If not, karma has an interesting way of working.

Go to college and get a "good job": This is so 1980s… but I still hear it! Better advice I’ve heard: Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life. College is over-rated. Some of my closest friends climb trees, are woodworkers, own spas and my brother is a glass blower. They are tremendously successful and more importantly, happy. Times have changed.

No one writes anymore / Your service is not necessary, there is ChatGPT:  WRONG! How we communicate in writing is as important (if not more!) than what we communicate verbally. While it is easy to be misunderstood or misquoted in what you say, when you write, you have to think about what you are putting on paper (or on the screen). I found this recent NY Times article, Our semicolons, ourselves (nytimes.com), to be on point. As Frank Bruni writes, “Good writing announces your seriousness, establishing you as someone capable of caring and discipline. But it’s not just a matter of show: The act of wrestling your thoughts into logical form, distilling them into comprehensible phrases and presenting them as persuasively and accessibly as possible is arguably the best test of those very thoughts.”  All this to say, while we are in a world of quick texts, chats and posts, bad punctuation, grammar and spelling is (usually) forgiven, but being mindful of how you communicate in emails and in other business or more formal communications is still critically important.

Advice on: Dressing for Authenticity (formerly known as Dressing for Success):

My first note on this topic is not advice I’ve been given, but more an observation that I rarely hear men get advice on how to dress. That said, I do think many of these tips apply to all genders.

Pull your hair back, wear pantyhose and do not show toes: WRONG! This advice was obviously a long time ago (I wish). Having presence is no longer about fitting the old-fashioned mold. Leaders of today resonate most when they are themselves. (see more on this below) I recently got a nose ring and have been happy to see more and more of my professional peers (men and women) showing more of their own personalities at work. Tattoos? No longer taboo! And as for my hair, all too often I have spoken to my Black female friends who feel this even more. The time to feed into old expectations is over and I’m glad to see my senior friends paving the path. While I say, be your true self, still consider where you are going and how you want to present yourself given the forum. See next point on this...

Dress for the role you want, not the role you’re in: Like it or not, people still remember how you present yourself – physically and articulately. While workplace dress trends have evolved, I still follow the advice to carefully overdress and to know my audience. Dressing smartly and looking put together does help with your overall presence and I find it makes me feel good. Other simple advice on this topic, courtesy of friend and mentor Cynthia Hasson, is to always smell good. :)

Wear black and accessorize with jewelry, shoes or scarves to add flair: Fantastic advice courtesy of my friend and leadership and workplace culture expert, Dr. Arin Reeves of Nextions. Typically women spend more time than men having to determine what to wear. Remove this time zap by simplifying your wardrobe. She adds that this also keeps people’s attention on your content and not distracted by what you’re wearing.

Advice on: Relationships, Leadership and Gender Norms:

Where do I start on this one. (note this is not a question)

It is easier to marry a rich man than a poor man / Just get married and have children: So, so, so many comments on this one and, yes, I've heard this recently. On both notes: Love yourself first. Get to know yourself first. Then if you want to get married, marry (whoever you want) for love as long as they respect you. If you choose to not marry, good for you. If you want kids, have kids. On the second note: You can have both a family and a career! There are still more men named Steve leading Fortune 500 companies than there are women - ladies, we need you! (if you want, of course) Over the years I have spoken to many people who got married due to expectations. Many are now divorced or on second relationships. Many wish they pursued those dream careers. Note, it is never too late and I’m glad to see this stigma begin to change.

You should be home with your children during their most critical years: Some people choose to stay home with their children (fathers and mothers) and I respect that. For those who want to have a career or need to work, stop believing this propaganda! Children thrive by being with other children in their formative years and they learn independence. My personal advice is to be present when you are home. When Logan was an infant, I commuted two hours each way. Over the past 10 years, I have traveled extensively. Through “mother son date days,” I made it a point to carve out time for us to purposefully spend time together and be present for each other. No devices, no TV. I’ve found that by showing him he is important and talking to him about my work and my life and asking about his, he respects me for working and is a stronger and more driven person as a result.

You’re too open with your team / Asking for opinions shows weakness: When I think of my favorite bosses, those under whom I flourished, learned and thrived, they shared similar traits. They had respect for their people, authenticity in their styles and a collaborative approach. When I was a young manager, many people assumed (and commented) that my style of talking to my teams, asking for their input and sharing parts of my personal life showed insecurity. Sylvia Ann Hewlett recently explored effective leaders today in her recent Harvard Business Review article, The New Rules of Executive Presence (hbr.org). Finally gone is the day when a dictatorship style “works” and I'm glad to still have many former employees as friends.

Keep your personal life personal: Similar to feedback on my leadership style, I’ve been told to separate my personal from my professional life. In doing Inclusion work for the past 15 years, I’ve learned that while we are all different, everyone has something in common. While this sounds cliche DEI, I find it so true that when we find these commonalities, we begin to become more human and approachable to one another. I have never been one to act fake and I find this approach leads to more genuine relationships. Plus, now I love running into people with whom I’ve worked and being able to ask them about their recent marathon, kids, painting and especially dogs. Get to know your colleagues – you never know how much you actually have in common.

Each morning, reach out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while: This! Amazing advice that I try to follow, especially these past few months. As you progress through your career, people you meet are advancing as well. It is nice to stay in touch, plus one day these people could be your future clients. Reaching out after years is weird but staying in touch with a quick email, text or Zoom goes a long way. I hadn’t realized the network of colleagues and friends I’ve amassed over the years, but having a strong network has so many benefits. In fact, I’ve been overwhelmed by the support of my network these past several months.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading, feel free to share some lessons you’ve learned along the way and most importantly, thank you for being part of my network.