Reflections on Courage and Perspective

It is Jan 1, 2024 and 2023 was an epic year for me. I have so many things I want to write about but upon reflecting on this past year, I want to start the new year writing about courage and perspective.

2023 was epic because it was life altering in almost every way. I hit my last four states in my 50 by 50 goal. I traveled nine times this year (and not for work). Three of these trips were magical in that they afforded me the opportunity to explore and spend time alone with my now 17-year-old son. I have amazing friends and family – immediate and extended – with whom I was blessed to spend time. I launched my own business.

I also learned I was positive for the Chek2 cancer gene mutation and quit my job that I loved and was passionate about.

Had you asked me on Jan 1, 2023 if this how I envisioned the year to unfold, the answer would have been a resounding no! Alas however, after more than 15 amazingly fulfilling years doing work I was excited to do and was passionate about doing, learning of this gene mutation caused me to take a (necessary) pause to think about life and put everything into perspective. I was passionate about my work, but how much of myself had I lost to it?

I learned of my Chek2 diagnosis while in Lake Tahoe with Logan in April for spring break. I was sitting in the rental car so he wouldn’t hear me on the phone. I fell apart alone in that car. There were so many choices ahead of me, but there really weren’t. I knew at that moment I had no choice. I was 18 years old when I had my first bout with Endometriosis and lost an ovary; 20 when I lost my thyroid; 25 part of my cervix; 32 my fallopian tube and at 34 had a full hysterectomy. My choice now was I get annual mammograms AND fine needles biopsies while waiting for the inevitable cancer diagnosis or I deal with it now. At least I had that choice, which most actually courageous women with breast cancer do not get.

I find it interesting how people define and view courage.

As I sat in that car, my life came into tremendous perspective. Most of my adult life I built my career. I was laser focused on this and with it came costs. When my friends were at their kids’ sporting events, home with their families or enjoying their personal passions, I was working or traveling for work. I was fortunate that my personal passions married with my professional career. I was helping other women find their balance and build their careers. I was breaking down gender norms and changing the workplace for the next generation and that was fulfilling. I was fighting for inclusion and change but at some point, the lines became so blurred that I had lost my perspective. In working for others, I was not caring for myself. On that day, in that car in snowy Lake Tahoe, perspective started to seep in, but not quite all the way yet.

From April to June, I took some medical leave to talk to doctors and mentally prepare myself for this major surgery. This is where the rest of the perspective came. I was talking to doctors and getting almost daily tests but my job was constantly in my head. My anxiety medications had continued to increase year-over-year and I realized I hadn’t slept a full “work nightmare” free night since 2019 as far as I could recall. I was waking up having panic attacks and drinking entirely too much and too often. I made it to the highest level in my field and I was president of my peer group, but my health was in major neglect and yet I was still more worried about work. Something had to change. Having major surgery and quitting the job I thought I loved were not courageous choices, they were things that had to happen.

On November 30, I had a double mastectomy, DIEP flap procedure. It is the biggest surgery a plastic surgeon can do because they take belly fat for the reconstruction, so it is three surgeries in one. My last day at my job was yesterday. My anxiety is again off the charts.

Yet people call me courageous.

I see it as moving forward.

My whole life people have called me a “warrior” and referred to me as fierce and strong. I’ve never felt that way. So here is where I again raise the point of perspective. Perspective is truly everything. I feel courageous and most fulfilled when I am fighting for others. This is the face I show others. But I do not consider myself courageous. In my life, I have been presented with obstacles. Maybe these obstacles were hard, but I had no choice as to the path forward. People see this as courage but behind my courageous veil, I live every day in fear of failure and I wear this veil to cover self-doubt. This past year has caused me to look at life and put a lot into perspective. We all have challenges and I don’t think anyone actually sees themselves as strong or courageous. Perspective.

I am scared but I move forward. Others see this as courage. Maybe I am more courageous than I thought. It is all about perspective. I hope my story gives you some perspective in your own journey. Maybe next time I will write about my travel journeys… Happy 2024 to all.

My new vest to protect from bumping when giving hugs :)